PAUL ANKA
Rock Swings

Verve

You know this whole let’s cross-pollinate contemporary rock and pop hits with swing and jazz thing has gone entirely too far when you receive a CD on Verve by Paul Anka entitled Rock Swings which includes the tracks “It’s My Life” (Bon Jovi), “Eye of the Tiger” (Survivor), “Jump” (Van Halen), and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Nirvana). Then I realize that this thing could be some kind of kitschy classic-in-the-making; the kind of thing that becomes a collector’s item largely because no one can believe it was attempted in the first place.

You know the part of American Idol where Simon says to a hapless contestant, “that sounds like a restaurant where the drunken waiter gets up and sings” or “that sounds like a performance you’d hear on any cruise ship” or something of that ilk? That’s just how I felt listening to Anka croon his way through Spandau Ballet’s “True.” Look, the thing is schmaltzy to begin with, but Spandau found a way to make it seem like a very romantic song when they originally recorded it. All other attempts are just plain old schmaltz. Christ, doesn’t anyone remember when Pat Boone tried this kind of thing? Robert Goulet? But that’s nothing compared to hearing Anka ham it up through “Eye of the Tiger.” Anka tries to present himself vocally somewhere between the tough-guy, loose-with-the-lyrics persona of late Frank Sinatra and the natural ebullience of Tony Bennett, but it comes closer to Joe Piscopo’s version of Sinatra than I’m sure Anka intended.

The arrangers here, Randy Kerber, Patrick Williams, and John Clayton, do a good job of delivering on what they were hired to do—present big band arrangements of these songs that would stand alongside classic arrangements for Sinatra or Bennett by the likes of Don Costa, Sammy Nestico, etc. But unfortunately, the arrangements aren’t just at odds with the songs, they often completely undercut the meaning of the lyrics. In turning REM’s “Everybody Hurts” into a cheap, valium-laden housewife’s fantasy soundtrack, the poignancy of the lyrics is completely lost. Oasis’ “Wonderwall” goes from a cocky punk’s power ballad to a parody-style swing that again conjures Piscopo or Phil Hartmann doing their Sinatra schtick. If Frank were alive once could only imagine him saying “Paul, what is this crap? Be a man and sing some real songs. Sing some of your songs!”

“Black Hole Sun” is a beautiful song, and singer Lea DeLaria did a wonderful ballad version of it on her recent Double Standards album. Anka takes a similar route at the beginning, but then allows the thing to turn into another big band swingfest that just seems ridiculous. It’s hard not to comment on virtually every track here, because this is just the most ill-advised project to come down the pike in a long time. In fact, I doubt I’d be writing about this at all if not to advise potential listeners of the real kitsch value here. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is maybe the most ridiculous thing here, but other tracks certainly do their best to compete. Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without a Face” is stripped of all menace, becoming just a slow, slightly yearning piece of sonic wallpaper. No doubt Idol would at least be amused with this performance, considering his cameo in the film The Wedding Singer.

Anka does pull off a few tracks, sort of. The Pet Shop Boys’ “It’s a Sin” works reasonably well as a Burt Bacharach-style bossa nova arrangement. Since Neil Tennant provides his own irony in his songs anyway, this doesn’t seem like a goofy song for Anka to cover. The same can be said of Eric Clapton’s “Tears In Heaven” which concludes the album; it’s ready-made for Anka’s approach. Anka pulls of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” as a low-key swing number, but it seems a hollow triumph. Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” was swing-inspired in the first place, so it works pretty well. But how Anka managed to miss with The Cure’s “Lovecats,” a pop song already in a swing style, I’ll never understand. Instead it’s another Bacharach arrangement, one that makes no sense for a song whose brief lyrical phrases seem to demand a more rhythmic approach.

I have no idea what fans of Anka or big band swing will make of this CD, but I doubt that’s who this disc is truly aimed at. No, it’s cynically aimed at a younger market, one that wants to still be hip and relevant, but doesn’t really want to hear soncially challenging music any more. If Tom Cruise can lure Katie Holmes to Scientology, perhaps Paul can lure other young nubiles into the cocktail lounges and swanky minimalist restaurants with the promise of easily digestible but still hip sonic fare. Maybe. For the rest of us, this thing is gonna be one hell of a collector’s item one day.